How Becoming a Parent Changes Your Coaching Style
In the beginning of my coaching career, I would occasionally hear the quip, "things will change when you have kids". I thought to myself - "No way! I will be the exact same coach after having children that I was before." Well, not to say that I was "wrong", but I was... wrong. I have now spent more than half of my coaching career as both a mom and coach. While both realms have taught me a lot, here are a few things that have changed since becoming a mom 10 years ago.
Here are some other great reads for parents that are also coaches!
1. Pick Your Battles
Adam (now 7) has always been a challenge in the mornings. That child would rather stay upstairs, half naked, playing with his ninja turtles than come down stairs for breakfast. When he was 4, we would diligently lay out clothes before bed every night, asking him for input on what he would like to wear the next day. Then morning comes, Adam walks downstairs, and he is in completely different, mismatched clothes: blue pants with navy stripes and a red and black Iron Man shirt. What do I do? Smile. He woke up, got dressed, and came downstairs for breakfast.
As a coach, we deal with athletes facing different struggles every day. It is our job to correct form, technique, speed, and performance. We are teaching perfection, or at least as close as each athlete can get to it. I used to come in with my assignment on paper that we were getting through ... period. This occasionally made for some rough and long practices. Extra time spent on a rotation, tears falling because goals were not being met, voices rising in hopes of motivation. At the end of the day, the kids were frustrated, I was disheartened, and no one was really better off.
Fast forward 10 years, the struggles I face remain similar. They vary from day to day and it is my job to perfect them. I come in with a clear lesson plan, hoping to address the problem areas methodically. Then we get to our last rotation on floor, and start tumbling on the bungee mats. My girls look like they have on lead boots. They are tumbling on an air floor and can't get more than 2 feet off the ground! What's up next in the workout? Back to back floor routines: an endurance exercise to push the girls strength and endurance twice as long as the regular amount of time. I look at my workout and just know: this isn't going to happen today.
I relay the news to my athletes: "We are going to swap this workout with tomorrow's. You ladies look exhausted this evening."
Sighs are heard across the floor. The girls are relieved as they were feeling the way they were looking. They went and put on their therabands for their sprint (no tumbling) routines and dance drills. We completed the workout, built endurance, increased flexibility, and varied from the original plan.
2. Persuasion is Key
When my daughter was two years old, she was constantly "teaching" me new things about parenting. One day, when Reese was asked to clean up her books, she refused. When offered the black and white choices: pick up your books or sit in a chair, she chose to sit in her chair. Well great, now the books are still on the floor, my child has put herself in time out, and I am going to be the one cleaning. That was not the goal. After sharing this story with my pediatrician, he said, "Choices are great. Just be sure you are comfortable letting them make either one."
In the gym, I have been guilty of using the ultimatum. Let go of the bar, or sit and watch. Normally the child doesn't make as defiant of a choice as my daughter, but the body language and the non-attempt combined send the same message. So here we are back to the problem: the child is not better at the skill and is now sitting instead of getting better at the skill. That was not the goal.
Persuasion is my new middle name. M&Ms have become my new best friend. My husband teases that I didn't bribe the boys with candy. I tell him, she is different.
They all are different. Each child I coach, each day I coach them. And I spend a LOT of time with my athletes. So what is each athlete's M&M? I try everything. An extra spot, a show and tell, a loud verbal praise, a high five, sometimes even money. I have laid down a $20 bill 3 times in the last month. That one hasn't worked yet, but I am still trying to figure out what might encourage each athlete just enough to decide it is worth whatever has been holding her back: fear, lack of focus, muscle memory, to go for it.
Our sport is tough, our competition is rigorous, and our kids are competitive. Sometimes I choose my battles or ask athlete's sit when it causes a disruption to the group. However, I am constantly working toward improving my athletes, my program, and my coaching ability. There is not magic transcript, plan, or training technique. It is through a series of trial and error that we become the best that we can be as individuals.
3. Kids have huge feelings.
There are too many feelings to list. I think that kids feel deeply because they live in each moment. Little ones are generally not looking into the future at what their lives could be in 5 to 10 years, but instead living in the moment. Their emotion shows on their faces and sometimes, you unexpectedly trigger an emotion you had no idea was there.
My best two examples come from my boys. My eldest, Grant, is a people-pleaser. He thrives on making others happy. However, his happiness when he is being praised is somehow easily forgotten when the opportunity to sneak a Pokemon card into his backpack appears. One time, he had gotten in trouble for I don't even know what. When I came upstairs several minutes later, he was still in tears. I don't do well with tears, but tried my best to find out why he was still upset. Then it came out, "It feels like you don't like me anymore".
As I am now trying to hold back my own tears, I explain to him that I always like and love him. However, it is my job to teach him right from wrong and occasionally he will get in trouble. After a big hug and a few deep breaths, Grant was able to rest assured that his momma does still "like" him.
I see this in the gym now and wonder how many times I have missed it in the past. Sometimes it is asking for a simple correction, not getting it, and asking again. Sometimes it is having consequences for unsafe behavior. Whatever it is, you can generally see it happen on the child's face. You can pull them aside and ask them to talk. You can assure them that the reason you correct and discipline is BECAUSE you care about them.
Lucky for adults, kids forgive and forget just as largely and quickly as they feel.
4. Discipline done right is your best friend.
I am not a master parent. I also have never described myself as a "nice" parent. At the same time, I think the worst part of parenting is discipline. It is not fun to get your child in trouble, watch them cry, put them in time out, take away a privilege. However, it can be rewarding if you look at it over the course of time.
Bed time is probably one of the best things we do in our home. Ever since Grant was around 9 months old, we instituted an 8pm bed time. There is a simple routine involved: go to the bathroom, brush your teeth, read a bed time book, lights out. It is something expected and regular. I have even adjusted my work schedule so I can get home by 7:45pm to partake in the experience. Bed time at my house is easy.
The same is true at the gym. When expectations are laid out and expected on a regular basis, they become routine. There is a learning curve involved, especially with new or transfer athletes. But with consistent repetition even weird things can become routine. Warm up and stretch can be led by a 7 year old, conditioning is completed without complaint because "it's what makes us better gymnasts", and lesson plan lingo becomes gym jargon.
Consistency is important. The child needs to know what is coming next. I don't know why, but surprised don't go over well. Try changing a word in one of your child's favorite books. It doesn't fly. At the gym, I have learned to work extra hard at creating an environment that is conducive for learning. I have reinforced this environment through consistent schedules, rewarding the right behaviors, and correcting unsafe or unacceptable behaviors in a predictable manner.
Conclusion
I am a work in progress. I am always looking to improve myself as a coach, mom, and wife. Not all suggestions work, but I am willing to try just about anything. I am a lucky lady. I have been blessed with a beautiful family that is constantly reminding me that I do not have all the answers and sometimes, it is better to laugh than to get upset. As I continue in both of my mentoring roles, I hope that both my gym kids and own kids will continue to teach me how to be a better coach and mom.